To The Boy Who Said I was His Sun,

To The Boy Who Said I was His Sun,

What an artist you are with words, to grab me in, to make me believe you as your face slowly begins to peel off.

How dare you give me false hope, false love, how dare you take my soul for your own pleasure and make me feel so small.

You have no remorse for the poison you spilled in our garden,

reading messages, texts and proof from others that I was never the sun to you. That you were watering many other plants as I blindly believed your blue eyes, that I was different.

I was not the sunflower you proudly believed in, that moments that I entrusted with you, running to the edge of desire — that I thought were our secret love songs were just an overplayed tune for you. It was just for you to try to claim me, it meant nothing to you, you were having moments with others all while you looked into my eyes:

“ it's just me and you, I don’t want anyone else in the world, I wouldn’t even consider you a girlfriend, you are the love of my life.”

you are a fraud.

I don’t even know the boy who left me the leather journal, the love letter writing, sunflower surprising, “yes mam, no sir” ‘gentlemen’ who claimed to be nothing like any other guy, you were right about that.

That was never who you were, it was just a front covering all that you were hiding underneath in your insecure troubled soul.

I believed in a tomorrow for us even in the dark, even if we couldn’t see two inches in front of us, i had you next to me, and i thought we were going to fight together. You were my best friend.

I dated a man who manipulated

who would make me believe that I was the only light in his life, that through this storm he was only looking for me —

He wanted a girl already bloomed, one whose petals were already given to others before him, so he didn’t have to wait.

A girl who dedicated and served her life to him, he was never proud of me, he never understood my soul, and that's what makes me cry.

My soul. My soul.

Not the face he claims was so beautiful to him, but the light that emits from this body, I wanted more he just wanted a trophy. I cry because he fooled me.

I cry because why did you want to hurt me? Why couldn’t you just put my heart down, and slowly walk away? Why did you want to keep poisoning me?

Like most in this generation I was only a like, a quick message sent

and his thumbs won't delay to double tap on the next girl his eyes capture.

As I stare at my phone into a world I can’t understand exists.That being heartbroken today means moving on as quickly as possible to the next person

to numb feelings, to paralyze the heart -

to just satisfy the pain with temporary pleasure,

to close off any way of allowing emotions to be present

I crave more than just the filter,

I crave more than just the superficial idea of love.

I want someone to look me in my eyes and feel my soul, my pain, my hurt -

not just leave when me when they don’t understand me,

not to hate me because they can’t see life through my eyes,

I want someone who wants to not just like me,

To love me unfiltered, to take my glasses and see how I also look at a sunrise, to be there when my flaws are showing when I need space to breathe,

when I’m wilted to help point my face towards the sun,

to breathe with me,

I need someone who understands that love is beyond the physical,

that love is not using words as knives

Love is not staring me in the eyes for months lying to ‘protect my feelings’ as you cheat, as you keep me on a string as your personal puppet to move me in any direction you wish.

As you make me feel as if I’m the reason for everything going wrong.

I think this is why I feel so much pain..

it was you, not me.

You said I’m your sun,

I was never your sun,

but I am the sun,

I kept dimming myself, I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough,

the words you would say to me were just pretending, the letters you wrote were phony, to build me up to let you in.

You knew words for me were a spell, that if you orchestrated them in a manner I would fall deep into a trance, I would bloom for you.

Its souls like you is why I have an “emotional wall’. I will find a man who wants to nurture and slowly climb over that wall, not with a timetable of when love should be felt, should be said, and should be made.

It’s people like you that make me know, there is nothing wrong with me.

what you have taught me is — I am more than enough.

No matter what happens to me, what I hurt I go through

no matter how many times I have people pluck at my petals,

how many boys who can’t appreciate the hues of my soul,

I will continue to rise each and every morning,

so remember when you are laying in bed alone, or with another heart when you send your next DM, or swipe right,

when you are craving to feel infinite

when you try your best to forget about me

I’m always lingering, I’m always shining

brightly, proudly

and you never got a chance to love me, to be fully with me,

when you ask, why bad things keep happening to you?

try and be kind, let your anger sleep:

try to learn what it means to love, not to take someone and blindly lead them around while you parade your fake smile for the world to see, to belittle them while you cheat, while you cover your lies, while you say you’re a gentlemen and charm other girls to just let them wilt over as you replace each flower that dies.

Because when you sleep at night, you know the truth.

The truth is you never loved me,

you never wanted me, you wanted the idea of me.

The truth is I am and will always be the sun

and you will never find a star that is even as bright as I ‘am.

Thank you, I would never want to be trapped with a person like you –

I deserve more,

I deserve better,

I deserve love.

But, you forgot my heart is a sunflower

and I’m so happy it never bloomed fully for you,

you don’t deserve to know the woman I will be the day I bloom.

I would’ve followed you everywhere you went,

I looked at you for warmth, for approval, for a reason to grow.

I thought for a long time you were my sun,

but all you did was burn me.

He will try to forget but he is reminded when he sees her rising in the morning through his window, creating beautiful shadows even as he blocks out the light in attempt to erase the truth of the lies he filled her innocent soul with,

when the sun rays hit his face, he will be reminded of soft kisses that made him feel infinite-

he will move on to collect stars to replicate the brightness to attempt to create a soul as bright as the one he left. He’s afraid of the dark.

he will chase the idea of the sun, but will never capture her again.

I will always be the sun.